


they assume you know nothing (i wish i didn’t)

by bringmayflowers



Series: would everything be different? [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bittersweet Ending, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28459650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bringmayflowers/pseuds/bringmayflowers
Summary: Hoseok wishes he had courage to leave him. But he knew that Hyungwon would always come back.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Lee Hoseok | Wonho, Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Series: would everything be different? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2084571
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16
Collections: "evermore" & "folklore" New Year's Eve Exchange





	they assume you know nothing (i wish i didn’t)

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by Taylor Swift’s cardigan.

They’d met freshman year, English Literature homeroom. Hoseok had been too invested in his class-clown role from middle school, too preoccupied with teasing his friends than focusing on class. But once his classmates stopped paying attention to him, he’d started paying attention in class. He couldn’t help but be drawn to the tall boy who sat in the second row.

(He wished his last name started with something closer to the beginning of the alphabet, but at least halfway wasn’t that bad.)

Hyungwon—he later learned—hung onto every word their teacher spoke, eyes glimmering as he scribbled down notes, fueled by a passion that was unrivalled by any other in the class.

(He wanted it. He wanted those eyes to look at him with the same type of adoration.)

Hoseok had always been friendly, and being paired up for an assignment was only his stroke of luck. They quickly became friends after learning Hyungwon had only recently moved there and Hoseok had started growing out of the jeering his old middle school friends liked to direct towards other students. 

By the time sophomore year had rolled around, Hyungwon had met another friend from his AP functions class, Kihyun. Kihyun had brought his friend, Changkyun, and the two pairs of friends quickly merged into a group of four.

Their lunch breaks were spent with Kihyun and Hyungwon arguing over some math problem, or the other three talking over an ethical debate that had arisen in the news. It was here that the spark Hoseok had contained bloomed, egged on by the fire Hyungwon held in his eyes.

It was one night after the four had spent a night gaming in Hoseok’s basement, and Kihyun and Changkyun had been picked up already that left them alone again. Of course they had been alone together before, but it was usually always surrounded by the murmur of other students around them, the buzz of the school wrapping them in a soft cocoon of comfortableness.

Instead, sitting on his porch, only a single porch light illuminating them, filled Hoseok with a nervous energy. There was nothing to fall back on, no noise he could rely on. Hyungwon’s eyes were illuminated by the lights, and a simultaneous want and fear rose up in him; a want to hold his hands, stare into those eyes, and stare back, but the fear of rejection was a great one. The two battled in his head, and he resorted to rubbing his hands together, more out of nervousness and something to do than being cold on a November night.

Hyungwon must’ve seen it as him being cold, because he reached over, and before Hoseok could object, pulled his hands into the sleeves of his coat. A flush rose up, primarily settling into his ears, and he hoped that Hyungwon didn’t notice or even if he did, thought it was just the cold.

Before Hoseok could muster up the courage to say something and make sure he wouldn’t stutter, headlights made their way down the street. Hyungwon looked up and reluctantly pulled his hands away (or was Hoseok just imagining that?). Before he could walk down the steps though, Hoseok gathered his courage. 

He reached up on his tippy-toes, planted what he hoped was a soft kiss on his cheek, and breathed out a, “thanks, see you tomorrow”, thanking all the gods when he didn’t say anything super embarrassing. Hyungwon stood still for a moment, before rushing down the steps and getting into the passenger seat.

Hoseok hoped the red he saw in the other’s cheeks wasn’t from the cold.

It was natural after that, friendship slowing dissolving into something sweeter, softer. Sophomore year passed in a blur of happy moments, spots of Hyungwon at either of their houses, intermingled with game nights and movie nights that included all four of them. 

The summer before junior year brought freedom, another year closer to be able to be themselves. It passed through numerous park dates, picnics and hiking and photographs. Finding spots in the park that was secluded enough for them to lay together and stare through the canopy of trees. It was here Hoseok memorized Hyungwon’s heartbeat, felt the thrum of his own at the tips of his fingers. He’d never felt more alive than there.

Junior year started, and the stress kicked into high year, the pressures escalating. But things mainly worked themselves out—though despite his best efforts, Hoseok could never get Hyungwon to kick his smoking habit. The four became even closer, bonded by mutual hatred of their school and the stress of beginning to consider college.

The winter came, harsh and biting. But after Hoseok got his license, it seemed like nothing; instead of being forced to huddle in one of their basements—the only place they would be left alone and unheard—they could go to suburban drive-in theatres and on midnight joyrides, illuminated only by the city lights. Intimate kisses and stolen moments when their parents weren’t home, hopefully the first of their many. Overpriced diners and kissing across the middle car console became a new normal, small dots of warmth unaffected by the blowing winds and judgemental stares that accompanied them outside, people that thought they were too young to really understand. Hoseok felt like with Hyungwon’s rationality, his immovability, they could face anything together.

The spring brought change, a relaxing of the shoulders, that yes, they could make it another year. The four went on short day trips after the snow melted, out to nearby waterfalls. Kihyun found them a secret stargazing on a hill, and many of their nights were spent with the cool spring breeze blowing through their hair. 

It was after one of these when Hyungwon pulled out a fluffy white cardigan, one that Hoseok had wanted to buy for himself the year after, save up for as a graduation gift. Hyungwon had gotten it much earlier than before then, but couldn’t build up the nerve to give it. 

Something about the unreachable stars and the late nights that brought out Hyungwon’s insecurities, the fears of the future, of himself, and drew them out until they’d overflowed in the form of tears on Hoseok’s shoulders when they were in his car. But it was the season of renewal, of growth, and Hoseok knew he’d help Hyungwon get through it.

Springtime flew by again, even more photographs cluttering up Hoseok’s wire rack that he’d hung up in his room. Many were of the four of them, one of them roller skating and Changkyun mid-fall, another taken by Hoseok of Hyungwon and Kihyun bickering like they always did. But the rest of space was filled by the two of them, at the movies, in the park, every corner of the frame and his mind filled with their moments.

Their rite of passage came in the form of a school dance, a semi-formal, just for the juniors. Hyungwon was on the school council, and as an organizer was required to attend. Hoseok was pressured into it, but he couldn’t say he didn’t enjoy the slow dances and seeing his friends all dressed up; it really felt like one part of his life was ending, the end of his coming-of-age movie approaching rapidly, but he was looking forward to after high school, as long as Hyungwon and Changkyun and Kihyun were with him.

(Plus, Changkyun had shyly confessed to Hoseok that he’d wanted to ask Kihyun out, but didn’t know how. While Hyungwon had fussed over his “important council duties”, between the slow dances and eating the free food, Hoseok had spent his time talking to the younger boy and convincing him that yes, it’d be worth it and that yes, Kihyun  _ definitely _ liked him back.)

Junior year ended and the summer trickled in. After Hyungwon and Kihyun got their licenses too, they’d had more opportunities for longer trips because there were more cars available to be borrowed. They’d gone on weekend trips to the beach, to a little camping spot further up North, to the bigger city nearby where they could explore downtown and shop to their heart’s content. It was also on the return of one of these, where they’d spent a weekend at the boardwalk of a popular beach and brought back a ton of cheesy souvenirs and phones filled with smudged snapshots, that Hyungwon confessed he’d be gone the other half of the summer.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he’d swore, and the rest of the story tumbled out.

He had gone to this beach summer camp back when he was younger, and his parents were friends with the program director. This year, they’d had trouble finding enough counselors for the kids that signed up, and his parents had asked him to go. He would be getting a ton of volunteer hours, and plus, it looked nice for college applications.

Hoseok could feel Kihyun and Changkyun’s worried gazes on him as Hyungwon explained, but he was clingy and touchy, not a baby; he could do four weeks alone. He had existed without Hyungwon for years, and he could do it without him too. 

After the other two had been dropped off at their respective houses and they were parked in front of Hyungwon’s, the other turned to him.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay? Really, if you won’t be, I think I can convince my parents I won’t go.” He twisted his hands together, but the more worried other people were for him the more he felt the need to prove that he’d be fine. That the world wouldn’t stop spinning because him and Hyungwon were apart for a month, that he could still operate along.

“Don’t worry,” and put his hand on his hands that were still picking and fidgeting with one another. Their eyes met. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry so much. How special do you think you are?” he teased, and Hyungwon’s eyes softened. His eyes crinkled at the corners. 

“You know, if you miss me that much, you can just wear the cardigan I got you.”

He sniffed, turning back to the steering wheel and reaching over to open the trunk. “In the middle of August? The hottest month of the year? I won’t miss you that much, you big baby.”

And as they unloaded Hyungwon’s things from their weekend trip out, he talked himself into it. He left Hyungwon with a hug and a soft kiss—in case any parents or potentially-scandalized neighbours were watching—and climbed back into the car.

“I can do this,” he said out loud to himself. “I don’t need him, I am my own independent person, and can survive alone.” As Hoseok drove off towards home, he continued the self-talk; it was less whether or not he could, but rather more to prove to everyone else that thought he couldn’t.

Hoseok dropped Hyungwon off at the bus stop after they took the subway there together, not having a car available to borrow for the drop-off. He’d picked one of the last ones leaving so they could get as much time together as possible. The day was spent cuddling as they put on cheesy romcoms, and eventually they had to get up and get ready to leave. 

They hugged one last time, and Hyungwon pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. He brushed the hair out of Hoseok’s face. With a, “Don’t worry, I’ll be back before you know it,” and “Remember to text me!” he was gone.

Hoseok sat on the bench outside of the bus station, not budging until the bus with Hyungwon had left, just a tiny dot in the distance. He’d gotten up and ran to the subway after realizing the last one was about to stop at the stop he needed to get on.

He just managed to get on, and something made him stare at his own reflection instead of pulling out his phone. There was a feeling of ominosity, that nothing would be the same again, but maybe he was just overreacting again. He’d wait for Hyungwon to return, all suntanned and bright smiles from a month spent outside and with young, fun, kids. In the meanwhile, he’d text him plenty and hangout with Kihyun and Changkyun and figure out  _ what the hell _ was happening with those two. Everything would just go back to normal, the same as before and after Hyungwon left.

(Would it?)

The texts began often, practically whenever Hyungwon was free. Hoseok tried his best to reply as soon as possible, waiting for the other too so they could talk as much as possible.

He knew the first couple days were for counselor training, so he was probably more busy getting to know the area and figuring out how things worked. He wasn’t worried if Hyungwon took a bit longer; he had things to do and running a cabin to get ready for.

Because Hoseok was basically sitting at home, he decided to workout more than he normally did; he only worked out a couple days a week before because of school, but now that he was free again with no boyfriend, he decided he would go on a month-long shred to get back into shape.

But as the days passed by, the time between texts got longer and the texts themselves got shorter, Hoseok started getting anxious. But with barely any answers, and not wanting to get into it through text, he ignored it, pretended it was fine. He was probably overreacting anyways, Hyungwon was very dedicated to whatever job he had to do, and probably just got really invested and involved in his duties.

When Kihyun and Changkyun were over to play video games and asked him about how Hyungwon was doing, he waved them off, said Hyungwon had told him he was getting busier and busier. They quickly forgot about it, returning back to the racing game where Changkyun was beating Kihyun despite not having his license. 

The texts faded, days passing by before Hoseok would get a reply back. He couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, but he understood. Hyungwon was busy, but after he’d get back, he was sure they’d go back to normal. 

August passed by, workouts and Changkyun and Kihyun occupying his time. They’d come over to his house, have plenty of fruit and lemonade his mom always had stocked, and he would pretend to ignore that the other two had their hands intertwined when they were all watching action movies together.

Hyungwon returned the day before their first day of senior year, but Hoseok wasn’t sure when. By the afternoon, after he’d texted him but gotten no reply back, decided to go over to his house. He rang the bell a couple times, but no one seemed home judging by the lack of cars in the driveway. Hoseok tried texting Hyungwon again, but after he’d waited on his porch for twenty minutes, he went home. Maybe Hyungwon had a bad signal and didn’t even know he was being texted. Or he was saying his final goodbyes to his fellow counselors. 

They had homeroom together anyways—as seniors, just like how they met when they were freshmen; both of them had laughed at this coincidence—and he’d see Hyungwon tomorrow. Hoseok had waited a month, and another day wouldn’t make that much of a difference.

Things did not go back to normal.

They seemed like they had, Hyungwon and Hoseok and Changkyun and Kihyun back at their same lunch table for the last year, Hyungwon more burned than suntanned. But something had shifted between him and Hyungwon; he wasn’t as affectionate, always distant and mind far away when they were together.

He didn’t want to interrupt the newly-formed Kihyun and Changkyun, so he settled on his best coping strategy: ignoring it. Though they didn’t meet as much because of the newly added stress of school and college applications, he acted as if him and Hoseok were fine. Because they were. They would be fine.

Maybe it was just the approaching winter, slated to be worse than any other before, that made him insecure. Maybe he was imagining it all, projecting his insecurities out on Hyungwon.

(As much as his heart wanted to believe that, his mind couldn’t.)

He heard it—unfortunately—from Kihyun first. (But he supposed it would be better than a stranger, and definitely better than no one at all.) Kihyun had called him out hesitantly, clearly not wanting due, but feeling he had a need to. (Kihyun was righteous like that though.)

It was heard down the grapevine, a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend or something like that. This person had overheard someone in their school who’d had a summer fling at a camp with another camp counselor, and was overheard crying in the bathroom to another friend.

Kihyun twisted his shirt around his finger, wiped his sweaty palms on his pants, gulped and took a deep breath before he could ask the question Hoseok had been thinking of since Hyungwon had come back. (Kihyun had always been more observant than he let on.)

“Do you… Do you think it's him?”

And just like that, Hoseok’s world shattered around him.

The words from someone else, said out loud and not thought in his mind in the darkest and coldest of nights, made it real. 

After a week of consideration, the day before the last day of school before winter break started, he finally decided enough was enough. He couldn’t make enough excuses to last through winter break without knowing—he’d rather know than remain in their current state of limbo. Plus, it was embarrassing enough that Kihyun knew; he didn’t need Changkyun to ask him why they weren’t all hanging out together too. 

So he texted Hyungwon to come out when he knew he’d be home, waited on his porch for him to come outside.

When he finally stepped outside, Hoseok thinks they both knew already. Hyungwon’s eyes were plagued, dark as ever but flat in colour. Hyungwon knew what question he’d ask, and he knew the answer he’d get. But he also knew that they’d have to say it, form the words and push them out, before he’d believe it. His head knew the answer already, but his heart hadn’t wanted to believe it.

“Is…” Hoseok cleared his throat. “Is it true?”

Hyungwon sat next to him on the steps, “Is what true?” Hoseok could feel the tears starting to well up, but he willed them away.

“Is there… Was there someone else? At the camp?” And he held his breath, despite knowing the answer.

It was too long. The silence seemed to last hours, as opposed to the minute it actually was.

The next words were barely spoken, almost a breath out rather than something spoken. He would have missed it if he weren’t listening for it, desperately hoping it wasn’t what he thought.

“Yes.”

And Hoseok couldn’t afford it. His heart was taken by him already; he couldn’t afford to be vulnerable in front of him anymore. He had to keep his tact, at least remain calm before he could get to the comfort of his bedroom and break down. Because Hyungwon was no longer safe, but instead another stranger. Even though nothing had changed, everything had changed.

“Okay,” his voice somehow steadier than he’d heard it in his head. “Thank you for being honest.” He dipped his head, pulled his sweater tighter around his shoulders, and walked home.

(He didn’t turn back. Because he knew if he did, he knew he would see tears on Hyungwon’s cheeks and in his eyes, and he  _ knew _ he would run back to him.)

He ran immediately to his room, curling up on his bed. But his hand closed over something warm, and he’d open his eyes to the cardigan he was given that one spring night so long ago. Something consumed him, something ugly that he’d never even seen before, and he threw it under the bed. 

But the feeling, the anger, was as quick to bleed out as it had flowed into him, leaving him only to cry his heart out and unable to tear down the pictures he’d lovingly printed out and hung up around his room.

It was only a day. As soon as the bell rang for second period, Hoseok rushed out. For lunch, he stopped beside their normal table, telling them he needed to study last-minute for a test, before hiding out in the library. Thankfully Hyungwon stared down at his food, didn’t look up, or else he didn’t know what he’d do. Kihyun didn’t push as much as Hoseok knew he wanted to, but he felt as if his answer was written over his face, clear as day.

At the end of the day he hoped he wouldn’t run into any of his friends. He needed to be alone for a while, cry it out. At least he had a winter break to get over him.

(But would he ever, really?)

He felt like Bella from Twilight during the winter, that sequence where all she does is sit on the chair as the seasons change. The days seemed to slip away, going by without him remembering any of it.

At least he got switched into his gym class that he’d wanted, but it rearranged his whole schedule. Maybe it was a good thing, that he couldn’t see Hyungwon anymore, stare at the back of someone he loves—loved?—but maybe it was also more painful that way.

He couldn’t tell if Hyungwon was just as affected as he was, hurting just as bad. Maybe he wasn’t, and was happily dating the other person? But in that case, would it be better for Hoseok to be there to torment him, remind him of his past wrongs? Or would it only hurt himself more, seeing Hyungwon happy with someone else?

(Was he sick, cruel to himself, for still wishing Hyungwon would be happy, even if it were without him?)

Spring, once again, was a transformative time. He pulled himself out of the slump he’d been in all through the winter and decided he would be better to himself.

Changkyun knew most of it by now, told by Kihyun. Though Hyungwon avoided their lunch table after winter break, going who-knows-where, (to text his new boyfriend, whispered the ugly voice in his mind,) his ghost still haunted Hoseok. The school was filled with their memories, shadows going around the corner as soon as he’d seen them. 

But his birthday was here, the last of his childhood and of new beginnings. He found a day where they had no imminent deadlines, invited Changkyun and Kihyun over for a day of video games and movies, just like old times. 

He decided he’d be better for himself. He was filled with a hope that only spring could inject in him.

The cardigan he’d hid away, representative of his darkest days despite being a soft white, was pulled out. He decided that it would represent his transformation into someone better to himself, to his friends. (When he opened the door for Changkyun and Kihyun and the latter barely contained his gasp, it had done its job.) 

He ushered them in, started some heist movie that he loved watching, and as they ate cake and laughed at how clever Brad Pitt and George Clooney were, he could feel it. What a new shoot must feel once they finally grow past the snow and can feel the sun again after a long, dark winter.

He supposes that it was right, that when he went to open the door for someone who had oddly knocked halfway through their binge of Ocean’s Series, it would be Hyungwon. If anything, it was rather appropriate. 

(This would either be part of his transformation, or he was destined to repeat history.)

He pulls his cardigan around himself tighter, the breeze in March still a bit chilly, some snow still left on the ground, tips his head to the side, and smiles. He steps out, closing the door firmly behind him.

His friends—more like just Kihyun, who had always been very firm in his beliefs—said he deserved better, better than a cheater. He was worth more than that, that if he was “once a cheater, always a cheater”. And he understood. If he were in their places, maybe if it were Changkyun with someone else, he’d be saying the same things to Kihyun.

But he wasn’t that strong. He couldn’t get away from Hyungwon’s bright eyes that haunted his dreams, sparks that never seemed to dim. He was addicted to the light and he didn’t think anything could ever get him over it. Maybe his addiction, his inability to live properly without him, made him just as bad as Hyungwon.

He deserved it.

(Could he find anyone better, anyways?)

**Author's Note:**

> this might be my favourite of the series! it can be read as a oneshot, though i strongly recommend finishing the series (reading in order preferably) as they were all written as companion pieces of one another. thank you for reading!


End file.
